Wisconsin: It's An Okay State-If You Like To Drink

Pretend I've never mentioned my golfing buddies from Wisconsin before. Forget about me going up to Lake Arrowhead every summer for rounds of golf. It's one of the finest, most beautiful golf courses in America. You can also forget the story of me going to a baseball game in Wisconsin Rapids and seeing and talking to Ken Osmond, aka, Eddie Haskel.
On my way to Ten Mile Lake in Minnesota I stopped in and stayed with my long time friend who lives on the course. Other buddies from the surrounding area and from south of Milwaukee showed up and we had a grand time as always.
It crossed my mind last night that except for Maine, New Hampshire, Alaska, Hawaii and New Mexico I've been to fifty states. Well, I could possibly forget Utah because I was on a train and woke up long enough to see a sign that read, Salt Lake City.
For  sheer beauty I'd rank Wisconsin as one of the tops on the list, east to west and north to south. Most of the state is forested and there are lakes aplenty. The people talk funny for an Iowa boy like me. I was teaching in southeast Wisconsin for the year 1977-78. One of the ladies asked how I was feeling and I said, "I'm tired". She started laughing because what she said came out of my mouth was, "I'm tarred". So be it. Wisconsinites enunciate every damned syllable. That's tedious and boring. I've lived in northern, eastern and southern Iowa and grew up in the central part. I'm a mongrel Hawkeye so I'll accept certain speech patterns and dialects. If you want to hear strange talkers move to Ohio. Cripes! Every now and then I'll say, "Y'all".
Wisconsin folk, for some reason, look down on Iowans. They'll tell me Iowa is an acronym for Idiots Out Wandering Around. A long time ago a friend sang a ditty for me. The first two lines went like this: "Don't give a damn for the whole state of Iowa. Who in the hell drinks corn"?
Speaking of drinking, and I've mentioned this in past articles, Wisconsin drinks more brandy than the other 49 combined. You can look it up. When it comes to beer drinking no one else can compete. I have a cousin, and this is the honest to God's truth, who for breakfast poured a Blatz beer over his Wheaties and he didn't give it a second thought. In Wisconsin there is a tavern on every corner and in the country you'll find one every half mile. Except, they don't look like taverns. They resemble homes; two story ones with tar paper shingles. Every one has a sign on the wall that reads: Free Beer Tomorrow. A lot of these places serve beer battered pickles. Beer batter is a staple in Wisconsin. The strange thing is I don't see as many fat people in Wisconsin as in other states. Maybe beer makes people thin.
The very best night of the week is Friday. That's fish fry night. Fish fries are an adventure. It's impossible to make it to your car in the parking lot without puking from eating so much. In my drinking days, over ten years ago, I ate a cannibal sandwich. They're very popular in Wisconsin. Take one pound ground beef. Mix in sliced onion and one egg(or two). Spice with whatever and mix it together then enjoy. Did I mention I was drunk at the time? In 1982 I was in a town called Mukwonago, in a tavern, and ate pickles pigs feet. Yep, drunk again.
One would think that Minnesota being a next door neighbor, would be similar to Wisconsin in naming towns but it isn't. Wisconsin has a town character all it's own. Minnesota has places like Minneapolis, Eagan, St. Cloud, Bemidji(that's close) and Alexandria. In Wisconsin it's Oconomowoc, Wauwatosa, Waukesha, Mequon, Manitowac. Every town was created from a game of scrabble. Throw out the letters and whatever comes up that's what it's called. I've made it my life's work to pronounce and spell the biggies in Wisconsin. I did the same thing with Albuquerque when I was in the sixth grade. Think how embarrassed I'd feel if I pronounced Mukwonago as Muck-won-ah-go instead of Muk-wanna-go. Why, the snobs in the Badger state would think I grew up in Iowa.
Aside from drinking, the most important things in Wisconsin are The Packers, Wisconsin football and basketball and The Brewers---in that order. If every citizen doesn't have a green and gold flag in their front yard, a green and gold shirt or a green and gold tuxedo they are sent to the guillotine. Packer fans are that way.
Now, If someone can find a way to get the communists out of Madison, it might be one of the really great states.