Gluten Free Is For Catholics

Have you heard the news? I am now gluten free and I loving it. Six weeks ago my neurologist suggested a visit to St. Ann's hospital for an MRI. I absolutely hate the dreaded cubicles patients have to enter to have their brains scanned. The result, in my case, was nobody could see anything. I think that's an old Yogi Berra joke. The initial results of the scan showed interesting data. Basically, my brain is wired differently than, say, Einstein and, thankfully, Charles Manson. I was so fearful of the "tube" I asked the doctor for a couple of relaxing pills. I gulped two, came home, passed out at 3PM and woke up seventeen hours later. Relaxation of this kind was not appreciated.
The point of this blog is I visited the internet on the subject of MRI's, dopamine, brain functions, food, weight, feeling better and--- did I write weight gain yet? I thought so. At any rate, I gained a great deal of knowledge regarding gluten free foods. To my way of thinking, before this new found information was garnered, I was under the impression gluten free was for rich people; free range meat and eggs and crappola only the Rockefeller's of the world  could afford. It's not, though. Gluten free excludes sugar and anything wheat from our diet. It also suggests an increase in fruits, vegetables and more getting more exercise. My, what a novel approach to good health. Granted, a stroll though the gluten free section of the supermarket shows that the prices are slightly more expensive so normally I would have scooted on by. Now I'll buy a bag of gluten free pecan(pronounced pee-can if you live in South Carolina) cookies. Sugar has to be the worst food a person can put into the human body. Two years ago this summer I gave up any and all types of food products containing sugar. After two months my neighbor offered me five chocolate chip cookies. Have you ever been mind numbing, sick to your stomach, barf induced hung over from alcohol? I have. It isn't pretty. I'm not talking about a throbbing headache(but it's there, too). Picture yourself with your head in the toilet the following morning puking into bowl. Well, those cookies did the same for me. I laid in bed all morning and that afternoon, experiencing what are commonly referred to as the dry heaves.. In the vernacular of today's youth--sugar sucks!
After these six weeks of not consuming candy bars and ice cream mornings are fun again. I awaken refreshed, looking forward to moving around. Guess what? Too much coffee is verboten, too. So, instead of my normal 15 cups I'm down to two or three. Last week Folger's declared bankruptcy. End of story? Not quite.
The wife and I were at Mass last Sunday. We like to get there early to be spiritual. It's tough going to our church especially if one is a "normal man". We live in an upscale part of Dublin, Ohio. This creates a personal problem when trying to concentrate on the gospels. For me, there are entirely too many female distractions at St. Brigid's. The best way to say it is our church is made up of many, many drop dead gorgeous women. You can usually find me with my head down to avoid temptation. Folks around us think I'm very holy. I would a better person if I attended a Catholic church where the lady congregants were lepers---clothed in burkas.
Prior to the start of Mass a parishioner walks to the alter and makes the weekly announcements; deaths, ill folks and upcoming news. At the end of his promulgation on this Sunday I heard these words: "gluten and chalice". Since hearing aids are a big part of my life and the volume was turned to low I looked at my wife and asked in my normal whispered voice, "WHAT DID HE SAY ABOUT GLUTEN AND CHALICE"? The wife whispered back at me, "Anyone who is on a gluten free diet can take a host without wheat. They are located in the vestibule of the church. Place it in a special chalice marked gluten free". This strikes me as insane. What next, wine in your own special goat bag?
So, do I now throw my hands up in the air and stop "glutening"? Is my diet down the drain because I haven't been eating something composed of brown rice? I can only imagine how those six hosts I've consumed, those the size of a quarter with the thickness of an oak leaf, have ruined what was a fantastic lifestyle change. Is the next step for St. Brigid's to put in treadmills instead of pews?
Who would have thought the Catholic Church would stoop to this? Maybe they get a kickback from Kroger Foods.