Sometimes It's Good To Leave The House

It's that time of year in Dublin, Ohio. This morning I gave serious consideration to building my Ark. (Seriously), the rain came down beginning in the middle of the night and it hasn't let up. It wasn't going to ease up and thinking about it's potential flooding was (awesome) to consider. It doesn't matter to me if it's snow or rain. Both depress me. Eventually, I'll have had enough then trek out into civilization to be somewhere and see people. Shopping is a good example. Two nights ago I told the ex-wife(see blog 12-15-13) I was going crazy sitting on my rear end watching television reruns. I asked her if she wanted to go to the mall and look around. "Negative", said she. So, into my Mazda I did ride. The closest shopping area is called Tuttle Crossing Mall. It's smallish unlike the areas two larger ones, Polaris and Easton, located in Columbus. It's a mile from our home and since gas is around the $3.70 mark I opted for the shorter trip. A swell place to hang out for real men are sports memorabilia shops. At my age I'd never buy anything with an autograph on it. I'm in the process of giving my collectibles away. My grandchildren are going feel like they have gold doubloons in a couple of years. I hope they appreciate all the money I've spent on baseball cards, campaign buttons, marbles, old coins and things hobos wouldn't pick up off the streets. It's (amazing) how time flies when a guy finds a guy place. I was only gone for an hour but the owner was interesting. I was able to share a few stories about some of the men I knew whose names he had on his shelves. It was an hour well spent and once again I was mentally rejuvenated.
This morning I found myself driving back to Macy's at the same mall. There were ads in this morning's paper I thought were bogus but my curiosity got the best of me and off I went to Tuttle Mall . I figured the outrageously inexpensive clothing and shoe advertisements were in the paper to sucker me in the store . The prices might have been listed but I knew when I got there they'd be out of stock and I could mail order to be delivered later. This isn't my style. I want to get in and get out even if I have to trample old ladies and small children to get it done. This was when I realized a dramatic difference between men and women. My wife and her friends can go shopping at ten in the morning, have lunch, then shop until three and make ten calls on their cell phones. After that it's a hunting excursion like no safari has ever seen until six in the evening. They then bring home exactly nothing. Not one dime on clothing having been spent and the ex-wife will tell me how much fun they had. What's the point? I timed my trip so I arrived as the doors opened. Up the escalator I zipped taking two steps at a time and immediately spied the men's shop. I'm a sucker for shoes. There is no reason known to man why I have so many pair. It's ridiculous that I own five different styles of Converse All-Star low cuts. Last year I gave away four pair of Florsheim Imperial wingtips to the Kidney Foundation. A couple of these I hadn't worn for twenty years but they always looked good in my closet. Peering at those shoes made me feel as though I'd had a job on the New York Stock Exchange.
 I'm also a hoarder of things. When we were at my mother's funeral visitation last month there were hundreds of family pictures on a table. One of then showed my ex-wife, myself  along with my then very young children. It was taken around 1979. Well, I was showing it to different folks when my nephew said, "Hey, Uncle MJ, you're wearing the same tie tonight you were in the picture". And then everyone laughed at Mr. Dufus. The next day I went to downtown Boone and bought a different bland blue one, the cheapest I could find; one that one set me back $35 dollars for a piece of cloth! When we got back to Ohio I looked in my closet and there was the same exact tie as the one I bought in Iowa. I hate when that stuff happens.
Today, in the course of one hour I purchased a pair of $80 dollar Alfani loafers for $25 and two sport coats by Ralph Lauren. The list on the jackets was $350 each but Ol' MJ snaked them out of Macy's for $53 apiece. Better yet, I schmoozed with the saleslady and she gave me another 20% discount. If you go to Macy's ask for Susan. She's a peach. I then left Macy's with a smile on my face. Had it been women shopping they'd still be talking about which bracelet is cuter and looking forward to their latte's with five more hours of boredom shopping and wearing blisters on their feet. As for me, I returned home, assumed the prone position and did what I do best---nap. It's what men are supposed to do and we do it very well.
(           ) Overly used words that should be banned.