A Potpourri Of Poop

How often has somebody you know asks, "What did you do today"? And you answer, "Nuthin'.

Two days ago I awoke from a restless slumber and felt like doing 'nuthin' all day long. Even if you believe your day is worthless it isn't. Let's say you're lounging on the couch surfing television channels and come across one called The Kardashians. You watch for ten minutes then move on because it isn't your style. So, in actuality, you did do something. You convinced yourself you weren't that insane.

I got out of bed this morning at 8 am. Her Majesty needed me to take her to the Columbus airport for a flight to Washington D.C. I'll get to this later.

Two nights her the wife came to me in my Man Cave with a request to follow her and look into the kitchen pantry. As I looked down I saw what appeared to be black paint splattered all over one of the white shelves. Now, being that I knew I would never do unnecessary work around the house I told myself it had to be rodent poop.

I'm not an expert on rodent scat. I got on the internet and began looking at descriptions of mice and chipmunk poop. I ruled out chipmunk stuff because it's one quarter inch longer than mice droppings.

I'm not a heartless person and we did have a humane trap in the house so I ladled orange marmalade inside the potential Alcatraz. The next morning I excitedly ran downstairs to find zero, zip, nada.

The hell with humane. I wyent to Rouse Hardware and bought two tried and trued methods; a flat board four inches long and two inches wide. On it I placed a slab of peanut butter. This morning I felt like an African wild game hunter. It was a clean kill---no blood. Adios Mickey.

Here's the problem. Unless this mouse was LBGT I might have to continue the trap process. We all know mice are prolific fornicators. They only live a year so their hormones on on speed dial. They have the ability to produce every 30 days, five to eight more.

I do have to admit I felt a tinge of excitement seeing my little buddy splayed out on the newspaper. I did give the animal a proper burial; wrapped it in newspaper and through it in the garbage.

Washington D.C.: The Queen is making a quick two day trip to the cesspool of America. Her first cousin is married to a member of the House of Representatives and she's having lunch this noon at the congressional dining hall. She is under strict orders and possibly the pain of death if Maxine Waters, Nancy Pelosi, etc. or any other corrupt 'poopy head' she comes across doesn't get a pie in the face if they are on her radar.

It's only 10 am and already my day has been a success. I am the luckiest man in the world.