I'll Take My Coffee Black, Please

The Queen and I have recently become old in thought and deed. A few short years ago, when we were kids and full of get up and go(or, vim and vinegar) we'd take in a movie or grab a beer at a sports bar. Fun stuff like that.

Lately, to fill in Saturday afternoons, we'll peruse Columbus, Ohio web sites for coffee shops, preferably the ones offering outside seating. There's a method to our madness. These bistros are usually located in the hippie sections of town so, while being in the outdoors, there's a definite possibility of sipping brew and watching the local menagerie stroll by. Actually, it's me who stares(and laughs). The wife is too kind to lower herself to my level.

Anyway, coffees from around the world have become my drug of choice. It's beyond me why anyone, if they enjoy coffee, would walk the supermarket aisle and pick up a tin of Folger's, Maxwell House or an even cheaper brand. Furthermore, who in their right mind would drink a cup of Instant Sanka? It could be Sanka is for the geriatric crowd. Coffee is to be purchased not on price but on quality. Question, would you purchase a gallon of gasoline with a 50% content of gas and 50% water? It's the same for coffee. You pay for what you get.

There are places, restaurants like The Waffle House, when you order a cup of mud you know exactly what you're getting. It's called tan water. There's nothing there. It is hot, like tea, but with no taste.
Besides, who drinks hot tea unless they're at Panda Express?

I'm a dark roast kind of guy. If it isn't dark roast then forget it. Now, mark this down in your daily log for future reference. When on the road look for these places: Pilot gas stations, Love's gas stations, Speedway gas stations---in that order. Speedway serves excellent dark roast. It has a Brazilian bean and is quite tasty. The Pilot and Love's establishments offer a wide variety of coffees ranging from mild to dark. They also have one called Xtreme energy or something like that. It's supposed to give you a quick jolt----and it does. They also have decaffeinated coffees. I don't associate with folks who drink that pap.

If you happen to have a World Market in your area then use it. They have excellent coffee. I used to buy a whole bean, their French roast brand. Shortly thereafter I tested the Italian roast and was hooked. The best part is it sells for $9.98 for two pounds. Quality coffee for the price of ten Bic pens. It doesn't get any better than that. World Market also offers a variety of blends from around the world at prices that won't destroy your budget. From Hawaii, a Kona perhaps?

There's a store in upstate New York that supposedly makes the world's strongest coffee. It's called Death Wish Coffee. http://www.deathwishcoffee.com/ It's next on my list of possibilities. World's strongest coffee? Ah pshaw! They'll have to go some to satisfy my needs but I'll give 'em a shot.

Yesterday, we visited one of the areas best shops. It's called Staufs. They sell coffee from around the world. I ordered an Ethiopian dark roast called Harrah's. It was grand, as smooth as a baby's bottom. The dark roast had a low acidity rating(meaning the taste lingers after the sip goes down). The mellowness of the bean was exhilarating. I don't know very much about Ethiopia. I always thought it was one giant sand hill. The only facts aware to me about this African nation are that Benito Mussolini conquered them in his first attempt to make the Italians think they were good at things other than making pizza and organizing Mafioso. Of course, in their 'war' they went up against camels and donkeys from the Ethiopian army whose leader was Haile Selassie. I remember him because of his name. It always sounded good to me; sort of like saying, Boutros Boutros Ghali.

Even though I was enthralled with the Ethiopian blend I opted for a half pound of Sumatran bean. I questioned our customer service rep about the different coffees and if they met my needs. She's the one who suggested the Sumatra style. She had pink hair so I'm guessing she knew what she was talking about. In addition, she had a ring in her nose which only added credibility to her expertise.

In order to enjoy the more expensive beans it is necessary to purchase a grinder. I don't know why but it makes me feel like I know more than your average bear when I use one. We do have a French press which is an absolute necessity. With coffee this pricy I don't want to dole out more than I'll use. In order for an acquaintance to be offered one of my 'specials' they have to really, really enjoy coffee. If they don't then I'll offer some cheap cow scat kind I've been saving for a couple of years.

Finally, don't store coffee in the freezer or let it stand out in the open. To insure quality place it in an airtight container. Got it?

It was so enjoyable writing about a subject on which I know virtually nothing. Did I fake you out? I hope so.