A Day In The Life

 Trouble follows me the way Charlie doesn't leave my side; the way a rain cloud follows the Peanuts character. On my tombstone I've decided to put these words: 'always counted on to screw up via mouth or action'

In the past I've written about my experience(s) with hearing aids. I hate these critters but what's a guy going to do when the television volume has to be turned to mega10,000? To me a hearing aid is a recipe to be lost but only after I've spent a king's ransom.

My first pair, and this is my fault, were bought at Luebbe Hearing in Columbus, Ohio. The only reason I went to this particular place was because they advertised on my favorite radio station. Since I'd never purchased an aid before I assumed* one aid fit all and one price fit all. Hey, why not? After all I was only 68 years old and didn't have the brain power to research these things. So, I shelled out $8,000 and left happily knowing I could be able to converse with my grandchildren. These particular hearing aids wore out in less than a year. Actually, they didn't wear out. I lost them. Don't ask when or where. That's too difficult question to answer since there have been many others that have taken their place.

A year ago I was walking Chaz at the park behind our condo. I usually wear a radio head set while walking. It alleviates the pain of having to whisper to myself, "Charlie, do your duty so we can get outta hear." Anyway, as I pulled off the radio set I felt for the aid. It was gone. Our walk was now a search, a futile one at that. "No more", I said, "I'll go with only one. This worked for awhile. Besides, I didn't feel like shelling out another two grand for a replacement. 

One day the Lone Ranger of a hearing aid needed a cleaning so I drove the forty minutes to my newest provider. Luebbe had been flushed down the toilet a long time before. My new guy was decent and didn't charge fo extras like walking in the door. While getting the cleaning the assistant told me I was still under warranty on the old ones and that a replacement would ONLY cost $400.00 That sounded like a bargain to me so I told her to go for it.

Yesterday, January 5, 2021 I drove over to get my newest of the new hearing aid. It fit perfectly. I could put the volume level on 1 instead of a 4. I was happpy so I drove home, plopped on the couch and watch a two hour Hallmark movie (Isn't Erin Krakow great). When I'm on the couch lying down my left side, the one with the newest hearing aid lies on a pillow. Except for a few trips to the biffy I didn't leave my man cave. At the conclusion of the film I felt like I wasn't getting enough volume so I adjusted the new one EXCEPT it wasn't there. It was gone. I took the couch and room apart. I was in a panic. I was swearing the way a Kentuckian would when his trapped muskrat was stolen. I was near tears. I was livid with anger. Get the picture? This scenario went on for two hours.

Finally, I resigned myself to be brainless and brain dead so much so I called a local business and they put up a billboard in my honor.

Out of boredom, an hour later, I opened my smart phone( doesn't make sense does it-smart phone, mj hawkeye) and there staring me in the face was a text from my hearing aid receptionist: MJ as you were going out the front door your hearing aid fell out. I said a quick prayer of 'thank you' to the Almighty. 

I would imagine you're thinking I'm one lucky dude. Don't congratulate yourself. Today is a new day. I've 12 hours left to screw up, lose things and cause the economy to resurrect itself with my back account.

*Assumed: to make an ass out of you and me.