Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Dieting: It Ain't For Pansies


We all do it, either for a day, a month, a year, or a lifetime. Trying to lose weight is no fun and keeping it off is worse. I have one of those metabolisms where sucking on ice cubes is the same as eating twenty Milky Ways along with ten gallons of Ben and Jerry's.
As a kid I was a certified Grade A lard butt, At age eleven I tipped the scales at 110 lbs. Nobody in our house said anything to me since we were all that way; kids and parents, both.
This is gospel. The closest we came to a vegetable in our home was creamed corn, ladled on mashed potatoes, smothered in butter with gravy as a topping. Fried pork chops were mandatory, not one but two, minimum. Everything in the 1950's was fried. My parents believed in bread; a lot of it. At the dinner table my dad would give us the dickens if we didn't eat white, high cholesterol, high calorie bread. "HAVE MORE BREAD WITH LOTS OF BUTTER ON IT. WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU"? This was SOP in our house. An hour after dinner we consumed ice cream with all the toppings. Then, right before bed we had a snack to carry us through the night; caramel corn topped the list. I always wondered if there might be a correlation between my eating habits and the fact that I wet the bed until I was fifteen.
That's just one part of our eating history. As I grew into manhood and began playing year round sports and with a program of exercise I maintained my weight at twenty lbs. shy of two hundred-----------until I became an on the road salesman at the age of forty-two. The one great question put before mankind is, "How can a man go from 188 lbs. to 265 lbs. in an 14 month period"? Silly you! I have the answer. It's called eating. I hit every buffet: breakfast, lunch and dinner. Hey! My company was buying. The least I could do as an employee was help 'em out. Long story short: I eventually developed a love affair with Jenny Craig, nine different times over the course of twenty years.
When I retired, and recovering from major hip surgery last year the 'fat attack' hit me again.
I have succeeded, upon my wildest dreams, in losing weight and you can, too. It's easy. All you have to do is follow my simple plan.
My buddy, the doctor one, convinced me to go on a protein shake diet. I drink one glass of milk with a 'magic' powder and a smidgen of sugar free chocolate syrup for flavor as breakfast . Do the same for lunch. Dinner is the game breaker. I should have a patent on this. It's a winner. Take two small potatoes and microwave. Boil one half can of peas. Squirt catsup(anything but Hinz-I've boycotted it since nut job ran for President) on top. Chopped onions and Brummel and Brown add flavor. Consume this and enjoy. That's all there is too it. On June 14, 2010 I tipped the scales at 224 lbs. On August 15, 2010 I'm a svelte 202. I figured out the caloric intake of this diet; comes to around 1100 per day. The official title for it is "starvation".
But it's a damned miracle! No cheating, now. No sugar and no white bread. Okay, you can cheat once in awhile but avoid real sugars. I promise, you'll wake up with a hangover.
As an honorarium to me please forward $100 as a thank you. You'll be happy you did and so will MJ Hawkeye.

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