Shania! Ohhhhh Baby

Every normal red blooded testosterone filled male has a fantasy girl. C'mon now, fess up. Think back in your life and wasn't there one female who made your day? Truth be told they were, most likely, unattainable but anything is possible.

When I was in college the mantle of fantasy girl was held by Judy Stitt. She was every guy's dream girl. At five foot eight and a svelte 130 pounds with blond tresses she filled the bill. Judy knew what she wanted and what she didn't want which were most of the guys on campus.* She was also chaste which only enhanced every guy's lust. The thrill is in the hunt.

As an example of Judy's solid morals our track coach gave us a semester final exam. Coach Bean told us he was going to put that test in a place so secure no one would be able to get the answers and cheat. He said, "I'm going to put the questions and answers in Judy Stitt's pants". We all laughed loudly but what he said was oh so true.

A week ago The Queen announced over morning coffee, "Shania Twain's going to be at the Nationwide Arena on September 30 for a concert". Shania is and always has been my fantasy girl. This has been going on for years. Upon hearing this I scrambled to my computer to order tickets.

I was in such a frenzy my mind went into overload. I clicked on to the first ticket outlet which wasn't too smart. Remember this, I wasn't thinking clearly. As far as I knew this seller could have been stationed out of the Ukraine and I was about to buy tickets that would force me to fight against the Russian army without a rifle. Regardless, I bought two of these gems. Yes, Her Majesty would be my guest. I figure I had to take her. Had I left her at home chances are good I would have jumped on the stage and planted a big one on Shania's beautiful red smackers.

The cash I forked over for this concert would feed the poor in Columbus, Ohio for a year but I didn't care. Besides, Shania is my girl so I threw caution, and my back account, to wherever it want to go.

Last night was the big night. Eighteen thousand screaming souls of all ages attended. I stood for the entire two hours singing every song. I knew them all. Actually, I mouthed them because my singing voice would make grown men cry out in anguish.

Our seats were main floor and less than a weak sand wedge from the stage. Even so I spent most of the night drooling looking at the overhead stage screen.

I was determined to buy a souvenir before I left and told my partner so. A kid in front of me was wearing a Shania T-shirt with the schedule of her tour emblazoned on the backside. "Not my style", I thought.

Then I told Her Majesty I was going to get a large poster and hang it in my man cave. "There's no room", she stated. "Okay", I said, I'll put it on the ceiling above our bed". Somehow, and I don't know why, this idea was nixed.

Shania will continue to be my babe. She's beautiful at 50. I still have a chance. If you know the rule of thumb about men and younger women you'll understand. Take a man's age and cut it in half then add 7. So, I can still date a 42 year old if I want(but don't tell this to you-know-who).

Ms. Twain's first husband cheated on her for an honest to goodness troll. What a fool. But it didn't bother me that much because in my heart I still had a chance. She also has class and values. Trust me, I know this stuff. She's against drinking, drugs and premarital sex and she isn't afraid to talk openly about her values.

I have all types of fantasies in life. Let's say I had the chance to hit a grand slam home run for the Chicago Cubs in the last inning of a game 7 World Series to win. That would be the ultimate for every guy who follows the 'Loveable Losers'. Or, I could squire Shania Twain to a fine restaurant and an evening of conversation, some fine wine and a walk anywhere she wants to go. Of course, she would fall in love with my sense of humor and attentiveness.

That is a decision I would not want to make.

So, I woke up this morning and the first thing I thought was, "Shania, ohhhhhh baby"! Dream on big boy.

* Judy Stitt did attend our fraternity spring formal as my date so I guess I have that going for me.