Monday, February 6, 2017

More Of Steven Wright's Wit And Wisdom

  • I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
  • I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
  • I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
  • I still have my Christmas tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.
  • I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
  • I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
  • I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.
  • I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
  • I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.
  • I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
  • I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
  • I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
  • I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."
  • I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."
  • I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."
  • I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".
  • I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
  • I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
  • I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick."
  • I went to a fancy French restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"
  • I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."
  • I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
  • I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.

No comments: