I'd Rather Be Driving A Titleist

Have you ever seen bumper stickers on cars that read, "I'd rather be driving a Titleist"? Well, I re-joined my old golf club yesterday and they where giving them away. Even though I don't play Titleist golf clubs or hit their golf balls I still put it on my car. It's a status symbol and it's a heck of a lot better than having one that reads, "If you want peace then work for justice". I'm just not a Titleist person. The golf balls are too expensive for me and the way I hit anything that's white and round I might as well buy a box of rocks. The bumper sticker is a good piece of advertising---for me. It sets me apart as an interesting, honest and friendly person. Most golfers are that way. There are approximately 30 million golfers in the U.S. and many millions more who go to the range then give it up out of frustration. But they can tell their grandchildren that, yes, they've swung the sticks. Have you ever heard Mark Twain's take on golf? According to him it's 'a good walk spoiled'. For me it isn't spoiled because I take a cart. Carts help get the frustration over much quicker than walking does. Anyway, the bumper sticker singles me out as a swell guy. Ninety-nine percent of the golfers are very nice people and oh so honest. If you leave a club on the course they will turn it in to the clubhouse. I know because I've left clubs on greens, fairways, in trees and in ponds thousands of times but they always show up in the clubhouse. This is why very few liberals play golf. Liberals pick up misplaced clubs and put them in their own bags. I've seen this done many times. They aren't honest people. For one thing they cheat. If you don't believe me say these two words, " Bill" and "Clinton". He was noted for his famous foot wedges; a swift kick sideways with the shoe leather to get his ball away from a tree. He also used the 'do over'. My doctor pal's wife made up that gem. If you don't like your first shot then do it over but you can't add it to your score. Let's say I was playing with a Liberal. I wouldn't be, of course, but let's assume I was. On the 5th hole, a par 5, I score par. The Liberal gets an 11. His way of scoring would go as such: take my 5 and his 11 then add them together and divide by two. See how it works? We both get 8's. Doesn't that sound like fun? That makes us equal. Here's another one and it's a dandy. We are in a tournament, a big one. There are fifty guys playing and the first five lowest scores are in the money. The Liberal, being a loser, decides the money handouts are unfair. He thinks everyone should get 'participation winnings' and they would all get the same amount. That's why there aren't very many Liberals on the golf course. Normal people detest them. If I find out I'm playing with a Liberal I feign a pulled hamstring or stick my fingers down my throat and start fake vomiting so I can drop out and wait for a nice group. If you think I'm wrong about this entire scenario then name for me one Liberal PGA Tour player. It can't be done.
When I was in Florida this past winter I saw a bumper sticker that read: "Obama in 2012". The first thing I thought was, this guy's really a ding-dong. It should have read 2013. My second thought was, I rarely see Obama bumper stickers within fifteen miles of any golf course. My only reasoning in regard to the owner was he must be a union guy because his license plate read Michigan. But chances are he still cheats; big time.
Another thing I noticed was he didn't have a bumper sticker that read, "I'd rather be driving a Titleist". They're only free if you happen to be a Conservative.