Monday, August 18, 2014

Illinois Is The Worst State In The US

The sound you hear is the angry grinding of my teeth. Every time I think about Illinois I get as upset as a Muslim married to a prostitute named Miss Piggy. There isn't one redeeming feature about the state. Forget about the Bears and Cubs. Forget about the University of Illinois football team. They've all been horrible for years and are a classic joke. Every freeway in Illinois has been under construction for the last ten years or longer. I-90 from Chicago to Rockford is a slush fund for the Illinois State legislature. Every governor since the birth of Methuselah has been sent to prison for corruption. Illinois makes New Jersey look like Candyland. There are more murders in Chicago on a weekly basis than there are in Iraq and nobody gives a rats you know what.
Here's my personal gripe. If you've ever been in the worst state in the US and near Chicago you know that Interstate 94 goes directly through downtown Chicago. On July 12 I was with some friends in Racine, Wisconsin and on my way back to Ohio. Knowing the inner city, I-94 was seeing massive road construction(what else is new) so my buddy told me to take the I-294 outerbelt around the city and avoid the traffic. "That's a good idea", I thought. "I'll have to pay tolls but being stuck in the city in traffic is tantamount to being sandwiched on a roller coaster between two five hundred pound women". There are six tolls ranging from $3.00 to $2.50 along the route. I became confused on toll four, thought it was an exit for a suburban community, then zipped on through. I gave a brief thought to pulling over and backing up to pay the fee but the freeway was like the Indy 500 so I moved on. I knew the photo snapped my license plate and figured I'd get a notice in the mail. And I did! The fine, in Illinois, for accidentally missing a toll of $2.50 is a whopping $64.10. My teeth have ground so much I'm down to the gums.
Now, the question was do I pay the fine and let the slobs come after me? I have sold the car to another person. He has never been to the Land that God Forgot and doesn't plan on a visit. Besides, I didn't let him know about my dilemma. Also, he purchased new plates for my car. When we travel I always let my wife drive through The Crap State and since the car's registered in her name-- Well, you figure it out. I thought about sending them five dollars a month claiming poverty. I thought about sending ricin in the mail if I actually knew its properties. I thought about all types of devious tricks; dirty bomb came to mind. And then I gave in. I wrote the check to the Illinois Tollway System. I did write on the check in the lower left hand corner: For--corrupt Illinois Tollway. That made me feel good. In the letter I penned it was written, I'm certain this will find it's way into the pockets of a Chicago Alderman. That made me feel even better.
Sixty-four lousy stinking dollars for accidentally missing a toll. As Obama would say about the national debt when he was running in '08, "That's irresponsible. It's unpatriotic". I'd be remiss if I didn't mention Illinois the home of our "Corruptor in Chief".
There is not one positive about Illinois. Avoid it like Ebola.
Venting is good for the soul. Thank you for reading.

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