STOP THE PRESSES: MJ Hawkeye Turned Seventy Today

As I lay on my man cave couch last evening the last rays of the January 25 sun shown through the window. That day was my last day of being 'kind of cool'. I gazed at one leaf hanging on a bush outside. Remembering O'Henry's, 'The Last Leaf', I jumped up, grabbed a bottle of Gorilla Glue, went outside and glued that sucker on tight so it would make it through the winter.

Who knows. If I hadn't played with nature I might not be writing this today. Anyway, since I slid out of the womb seventy years ago today(12:15 am to be exact) I've been contemplating the inevitability of aging.

Memories flashed back to when I turned 34. I thought it outstanding that my longevity and beaten Jesus. Fifty was good because I still had the ability to jog. Sixty was excellent since I became thinner and still had more hair that a Wooly Mammoth. The jury is out on turning seventy. My goal for the next ten years is simple. I want to be breathing. Hopefully, in ten years, I'll be able to organize cogent thoughts. I'd like to be able to see and be steady of hand. As a bonus I'd like to continue with MJ Hawkeye; being able to type and not see saliva drool running onto the computer keyboard. Amen.

Always leave 'em laughing, someone said. I'll give a try. I've added a bonus list of benefits for we septuagenarians.

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, 'Did I wake you?'

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.

10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

15. You sing along with elevator music.

16. Your eyes won't get much worse.

17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

21. You can't remember who sent you this list