"Huh, Whadya' Say"

One aspect of growing older is the realization that I'm growing older; and I don't like it one bit. Of course, I'm referring to my hearing or lack thereof. Truth be told I've been aware of my partial Helen Keller Syndrome for a decade or so but conviced myself it was ear wax or hair particles in the wrong place or whatever excuse seemed appropriate.
I've got two things going on in my life that have caused this situation. Both of my parents couldn't hear the bells at Notre Dame Cathedral if they were implanted in their skull. So, I need to come up with ways to alleviate the situation. As an example, I tried to fend off a hip implant two years ago by doing the following: ignore it, throw holy water from Lourdes on that afflicted portion of my body or I'd pray that the pain would go away magically using Haitian voo-doo supplies. Nothing of a positve nature happened so I did what I hate most; got cut. Never mind that five minutes after I woke up from surgery all the pain had left the station. When it comes to cutting I'm a three year old girl on the pain scale.
Lizzie and my kids have bugged me for years about my hearing. You know how the TV volume has a line at the bottom of the screen. As the remote is pressed, going from left to right, a dash appears from one to ten dashes; 10 being the loudest. My wife and kids can hear on dash 1. I need it to be at 10. This way if Lizzie says, "the TV is too loud". I can say, "I can't hear you. The TV's too loud".
When The Queen speaks to me it's a must that I avoid using the dreaded, "Huh, whadya' say"? When I do she shakes her head and says; "YOU CAN'T HEAR"!!! My come back is, and this works sometimes, "Oh, I'm sorry. I was thinking of how I could better help you around the house". That, my friends, is called being cagey.
When it comes to my hearing there is a new facet that has entered my life causing me great concern and consternation. It's called grandchildren. Simply stated, I have difficulty in understanding them. Their high pitched voices sound like Oompa Loompa's. Oscar will say, "Hey Grandpa, should we go to the car show"? What I hear is, "Hey Grandpa, crzmpto foybnl wxcpf qpomv"? I'll say, "whadya' say, Oscar"? Well, this is getting old and Oscar is starting to catch on that Grandpa needs the dreaded aid. So, being the smart guy that I am whatever he says I'll come back with, "Yes, of course you can" or "Yep". As far as I know I might have offered him a pony or my bank savings account but I've learned I can fend him off this way. With age comes wisdom, or something like that.
In order to appease Lizzie I made an appointment at one of those hearing joints. I was given a test with all sorts of beep noises. "I got 'em all" I told myself after the test was completed. This clown administrator, in my mind, faked the results so I'd have to fork over $6,000. Some guys will do anything to screw the customer.
In the meantime I think I can fake it being near deaf a few more years or until the grandkids reach puberity.