Badly Needed Humor Just For You

I was so bored I called Jake from State Farm just to talk to someone. He asked me what I was wearing...

2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.

The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!

You think it’s bad now? In 20 years our country will be run by people homeschooled by day drinkers…

This virus has done what no woman had been able to do…cancel all sports, shut down all bars, and keep men at home!!!

Do not call the police on suspicious people in your neighborhood! Those are your neighbors without makeup and hair extensions!

Since we can’t eat out, now’s the perfect time to eat better, get fit, and stay healthy. We’re quarantined! Who are we trying to impress? We have snacks, we have sweatpants – I say we use them!

Day 7 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture!”

Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands???

I never thought the comment “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6 foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!

Me:     Alexa what’s the weather this weekend?

Alexa: It doesn’t matter – you’re not going anywhere.

Can everyone please just follow the government instructions so we can knock out this coronavirus and be done?! I feel like a kindergartner who keeps losing more recess time because one or two kids can’t follow directions. 

I swear my fridge just said “what the hell do you want now?”

When this is over…what meeting do I attend first…Weight Watchers or AA?

Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told “no” if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.

The recession has hit everybody really hard.

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline.  I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.